Finally fashion

As i venture into something i wanted to do for a long time - fashion illustration.

Goes on

In a room full of noises
I am the dumb
the voiceless
the unbound
the likable and
the unacceptable
while i'm weak they love me and
and when i strengthen myself
against those who misuse the only likability
they've known,
because it's oh so unusual,
while they fear those mad like them
they can call me the mad,
what they are,
so they can fear me too
and like no one all over again
unless of-course only to gain a like and many a like
so that goes on..
_

miss nobody

Smiling girls
running women
boundaries
rules
expectations
wits
dresses voices friends and lines you can't cross,
and I no one's friend
and no one'e enemy
is happy
and falling for
my enemy again.
The least i can do is be the only one happy?

Burden

Take the burden of all you do not want
all you feel silently
but never burden a man
for he will run away even if he is wrong,
he wants beauty- and you must provide if you want him near,
give sex
give silence
seduce and
Hide the heart and it's wounds.

Not you

I desire
and i destroy
I love all
but i don't wish
right now to be a lover for you.

Undemure

Take the demure away
make her speak ill
take beauty away
take womanliness away
take love away
take silence away
with a brazen rub, an opportunist attack
a filthy gaze
for being the only one still quiet
or beautiful,
And if she objects,
shield yourself from she who you don't need, for she is not lending the body
but asking of your freedom
over her
turn your gaze
stop caring
as you can't for any woman,
any more.

Lead

Lead
the sweet mindlessness of impulse
to desire
lead it to shame
lead it to your house
lead by the day
for a moment of applause
and don't leave
for when you leave leading
the mindless leaves
you,
proud,
you fall.

The disruptor

For you
i'd like to be everything

if you let me be

I'd like to be
a bomb a beauty a cutie oh so sexy a little girly a little pretty a bit womanly brazen
docile glamorous flirty the listener the giver the endless
if you let me be

and for you who touches me when i dress for another
would i rather be
undesirable
and angry
or
walk off
back to my make up,
and see you again,
as i see him?

Masculinism/Activism/Feminism?

It is activist cries and endeavors that make me sorry for being a woman sometimes, or at-least being seen as one, not my womanliness, nor what comes with it.

Being bold enough to be a free woman comes with being mistaken, misused and even ridiculed when it was beautiful and courageous enough to be valued and admired.
Should we be the other, then - blame, distance and be angry just once?

Anger compartmentalizes, it puts the supposed aggravator on a pedestal.
Men have no power over women except that of physical strength, which then, is complemented by (and small before) the maternal, emotional and intellectual power of a woman.
Display or even feel anger and you give a man a power he does not deserve, for he is the week, the needy and the equal at best. And then of-course, Women need, love, lust (and should objectify) men as much if not more.

I feel no need to protect, to abuse, to fight. Which is not to say i'm literally a man or that i think i'm above women, or that i don't have to deal with gender issues.

I do not know if i'm man or woman and see no need to differentiate the two from a whole.
I can be man where i want, woman where i want and a man can be woman if you are a man.

I wonder if Eradicating feminist activism could eradicate a weakness that is often exaggerated, that may not exist at all.
Let there be masculinism.

A man is not a rapist, a human is. And no man is a rapist at large, but a mistake that only one bears the brunt of is still a mistake that deserves to be known.

Rape is not the power to be able to reign over a woman (or man), but the powerlessness of a mind to think of his self-worth lesser to have to acquire what neither gives nor loses anything.

A human is a rapist or a criminal, not because he is a man, not because a woman has been powerless or vulnerable before him, not because he can rape or reigns over a woman, but because he is not worth being loved, because he cannot value his own self enough or what a woman can be.

Kill distinction, fight for nothing, be free, and pull down that wall called feminism? Or fight for right, know right and stick with your rules?

Not sure.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4UWxlVvT1A&list=PLPWZv5--hK0s5GO3HiG0BiFfhClr4YMH0
_

Bi-polarity

Knowing is a face
of the wave of conflict
where many faces
merge in unknowing
unresolved
and unspoken.
Only nothing is like everything
only sky like sea
and I am either
or both
or neither
and to claim nothing
you must displace
anything
with the lack of it.

___

How big or small is a thing
how right or wrong,
Are you ok with it,
or not,
does not matter.

Things are what they are,
acknowledge your own truth,
without judgments.
The simple truth.

Miss Understood

The exotic in it's all
is psychotic in it's fall
for everything else
is understood by all.

The small big poem

The big go small
the small get big

The fallen rises
bigness bores
and lures

The small make the big fall
as the big rises,
for the big
lures,
the small lust
the big must hide
or the small shall bite.
The small owe,
the big knows
till the big cannot hold
it's bigness in their shores.

I want to be small
so the small can be big
and I the small -

For when un-enticing,
I don't need to fall,

Or bare
alone,
the precarious silence of holding onto
my grand bigness
sometimes -

which you cannot fathom
as a man,

always,

a little small.

silence

Silence, open
and vast
loves.
I have loved
all
on silence,
and continue to love;
but I can un-entice the same
with a flood of words
I leave nothing unspoken now
to have you take yourself to another door,
For, you, who I don't want close.

Woman

I'm a man
and they want me to be a woman
for knowing no emotion
seeing you take me for a woman

I know no words
I bare all
I reveal nothing
I ask for nothing
and I love them all,

And for you now

I'll be all woman

and watch you be man,

so i can have you
ask me to heed my tears, the hurt and my burning love for you,
for all i care,
I wanna be all woman
so you can feel like the man you are tonight with your gorgeous lover
who I love more than you,
as a man.

While reading a book on gender and identity in Africa and while also illustrating a book cover for a book on a young man's Sexlessness at 35, i came upon this interesting article on sex(lessness) in the life of the disabled, from a disabled woman.
Interesting i think
http://www.tarshi.net/blog/i-column-sexless-in-the-city/

And a sweet little find in connection -

And then you realize how little this face matters, how little the shape of our bodies matter, how little our hotness, this obsession with being attractive matters when inner strength and beauty is what you need to survive the joys and sorrows of the world.

This Side That Side, another book contribution

A contribution of an illustrated comic from 2013.

Please do get your hands on the book (edited by mentor extraordinaire Vishwajyoti Ghosh).

It's a keeper of an anthology, a potpourri of evocative stories on the partition of India resonating with many significant voices. Will post pages from my piece later, as of now the official teaser and bigger picture:

They love,
what they cannot value
what is not them
what they cannot understand
for as much as they may laugh at it
or violate it,
it is lovable like a child,
and the moment you become understood,
you are one of them,
hated,
and
a threat.

St.Art, Delhi, 2014

January: a wall contribution to the Street Art Festival organized by curator, typographer and graffiti artist Hanif Kureshi.

I'm glad for this, despite no plans, being last minute entry among a bandwagon of bigger names in this genre of work.

Thanks S for help as a volunteer.
Hadn't worked with this scale before.

My second wall mural in Delhi after the one at Cafe Ziro in the Village, which to our displeasure, shut closed in 2013.

shots :

                                                                       Photos by Kiran K and Steve Peter


                                         Tiger leaping over a colony in the thick of the night.
                                     Bipolarity brings a woman together - i am masculine and feminine; 
                                                           i am as strong as i could be vulnerable.
                 

Inbetween : May Workshop, Picture Books

May 2014 : A workshop on Picture Books attended at the Max Muller Bhavan, courtesy the kind Priya Kurian who informed me of this. Under the mentorship of the revered Anoushka Ravikrishnan and Suddhasatwa Basu, we or atleast i, picked up many insights on Picture Book creation, Illustration for books and created a few of our own.

UpNext

Dogs : An anthology of comics on, dogs.

My story, 'Parked' is a quick filmy peep into the world underneath cars.

What i could not do for Samar's (grewal) Mongrels in all it's colourfulness was developed for Vidyun here in a black and white piece. The launch - 7th of August at Crosswords BookStore, CP.

published by 'Captain Bijli comics via authorsupfront

commitment

Many factors contribute to developing a unique identity and being able to withstand change. In the words of Rowlands, (2005), ‘Just because you are changing all the time does not mean there is no you.’ (p 93), because really, all experiences will work to change you as a person.

"...a subjective sense as well as an observable quality of personal sameness and continuity, paired with some belief in the sameness and continuity of some shared world image.According to Marcia and his colleagues, the balance between identity and confusion lies in making a commitment to an identity.

Identity Statuses

• Identity achievement occurs when an individual has gone through an exploration of different identities and made a commitment to one.


• Moratorium is the status of a person who is actively involved in exploring different identities, but has not made a commitment.


• Foreclosure status is when a person has made a commitment without attempting identity exploration.


• Identity diffusion occurs when there is neither an identity crisis or commitment.

In today's rapidly changing world, identity crises are more common today than in Erikson's day. These conflicts are certainly not confined to the teenage years. People tend to experience them at various points throughout life, particularly at points of great change such as starting a new job, the beginning of a new relationship, the end of a marriage, or the birth of a child. Exploring different aspects of yourself in the different areas of life, including your role at work, within the family, and in romantic relationships, can help strengthen your personal identity.


The four identity statuses are built from high and low positions on two identity dimensions. Dimension one is "commitment." People high on commitment have a firm sense of who they are and feel strongly about the choices they have made. People low in identity commitment have an uncertain sense of self. Dimension two is "exploration." If you are high on the exploration dimension, you are actively questioning your sense of self and looking for ways to come to a decision.Combining the high and low points on each dimension, we arrive at four identity statuses. People high on the commitment and exploration dimension are the traditional "identity achieved." At the opposite pole on both dimensions, people low in commitment and exploration fit Erikson's criteria for "identity diffused." People high on exploration but low on commitment are in a category that Marcia called "moratorium." This means that they have placed a hold on making the major decisions in their lives.  They're thinking hard about what they want to do but aren't ready to commit.  The final category applies to people who are low on exploration and high on commitment. In other words, they have a firm sense of self but they never went through a serious process of questioning their commitments. Marcia calls these "foreclosed;" in other words, they have closed off any serious contemplation of what they really want out of life. The most favorable status for people to have in terms of adjustment is identity achieved. People who are moratorium, at least during adolescence, will be the most likely to fit the classic image of the rebellious teen. The identity diffuse can also experience difficulties because they tend to float and may be led astray and into high-risk behaviors. The foreclosed are perhaps the most interesting, however. Their commitments most likely coincided closely with the expectations their parents had for them.  These are the teens most likely to enter the family business or profession, and follow the values that fit closely with those of their parents. The problem for them is that without an actual period of exploring their own commitments, they may find themselves in mid-life to regret those decisions that did not match their true, inner needs.
The identity statuses were originally meant to apply to adolescents but later researchers have extended them to the adult years. In looking at adults, though, the natural question to ask is whether an identity exploration in adolescence is enough to keep people optimally adapted in adulthood. Several identity researchers, including me, examined the commitment and exploration dimensions as continuous developmental processes that can carry on throughout life. Just because you experienced a period of identity exploration as a teen doesn't mean that you are set for life. It's healthy to keep exploring your values, roles, and sense of self regardless of your age.

This is mainly for recently diagnosed/self-diagnosed adults. I'm wondering if anyone else understands this. I spent my entire life until now not feeling like I had my own true identity. Now that I realize I have AS, I understand why I felt that way, but I'm still unsure about the identity part. I know what I like and don't like and my habits, but I still can't tell who my true self is. 

For some reason, I think it's because I've been mimicking people my whole life to fit in because I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't sure how to act or what things to say, and most of my hobbies were things my mother made me do for the most part (sports, choir, etc). I've never had one specific special interest I excelled in (they still change all time). Many characteristics i adopted from other people because I noticed other people responding positively to them, so I figured it would work well for me too. I tried to talk like certain people, copy their unique mannerisms, in addition to wanting to have the same kinds of clothes and other material items. They never completely worked for me. I either did them really awkwardly and embarrassed myself or I just couldn't keep it up anymore because it was too tiresome. I would even manifest personalities that I thought people would like and then try to be it. 

It seems that I've done this so much and I was so focused on keeping up socially that I never truly figured out who my true self is, and now I'm mostly stuck just being confused. Since I've realized I'm on the spectrum, it has made me just a little more comfortable in my own skin because I know there's an explanation for WHY I act that way, but now how do I go about getting to know myself? I'm not sure where to begin. Does this seem strange to anyone else?

Innocence

The art of living is, incidentally, the art of losing innocence.
Must we learn to live?
Maybe mystery is the only key to living with innocence-
to alarm the world with the possibility of being as grown up as you are not-
to keep a happy face to hide what you seek-
for the sad are the vulnerable, and innocence is thwarted with knives.


In the hopeful heart of naivety,
what was love?

freedom

I'll give you what is left;
the admission,
so you can make love to it,
for all you wonder
I'll rape me whole,
for how much you love me,
for you are
the big,
and I am nothing, anyway.

Blood can't go up a vein,
words can't be taken back.

Secrets lost
would be lost forever.

Once you're in the light,
there's no dark again.

Tread slow,

keep the voice low,

It's precious,
precious,
precious.

Choose between voice
and silence,
words and lines,
the simple and
beautiful;
between
war and
love.

Unreal

Don't stop for them,
or change.
Keep the magic alive.
Don't be taken in,
keep firm,
live unreal.

Beauty and the Beast

The Beast hides
beauty in paint
to be saved
of the raven's touch.
Beauty, raw,
a soft core,
a tender heart,
a warm hug,
an open car,
was
touched at it's heart
and had
that night,
by the road.

Shift

It is not my clothes nor my curves
that make me strong;
It is how you see me,
and that you do.

My clothes and curves
mean nothing when you are not by my side.

Magic lies not in a trick,
but in eyes that are still eager.

It is not beauty
that makes you strong,

It's the beast that
is dirtier, that
wins this war.

The Price

Protect the self,
to shine
is to tempt,
the more you shine the
more you tempt the dirty.
To be beautiful
is to tease vultures, bitch.
A room full of wolves,
streets full of gazes.
Protect the self,
from the old
the corrupt
the single
the friend
the stalker
the starved
the city;
or be them,
so there's nothing to protect,
be dirty
so the dirty stay away.
Know who deserve your beauty,
and who, your filth.

Rape

Strip her to her naked body
when you meet her
rub your manhood all over it
hurt her like a true man
do tell her how sexy you think she is
force yourself into her if she says nothing
rip her clothes off
for she is a nobody
who needs your fame
show her how desirable you are
for all the women you have in your bed;
how she needs a man
like you for she has no other.
After the rape,
go tell the woman you worship,
you did a woman who desires you a small favor
that the night is done
while your little goddess, the woman like no other, a woman herself, touts her a piece of shit
that must be raped
again
and promises she will be the one who
will pop your children
for she is your truest fan-
and you, hers.
_

Significance

In this storm of
voices and faces and houses with numbers,
I am the still
the free
the homeless
the lonely
the voiceless
the child,
I am the desirable.

Model

The face is a thought,
an empty paper
the face is a wish
the body is a sleight
and I am everything.

A glass came under my foot,
I looked back
into the glass
ready to be loved or pierced
and I was hurt.
They whispered I walk on danger,
for they know what danger means.

survival of the swiftest

The space between one phase of being and another can be as uplifting as deathly:
Make your transitions swift, delay nothing, be clear, know exactly when to retract -
take control over your choices, before they take over you.

Stop for no-one - as no-one would for you.

Innocence found nowhere to go. abused and mistaken it took on their shape.
it's friends had all learnt enough about the world too soon.
He who can not tell right from wrong and good from bad is the slut
Are those who the world has robbed sooner than the others, the men and women who perch comfortably, classify women, who claim class, who mistreat women, who take their talent for granted, or better still do nothing, just sad for what they cannot have back?
But he learnt to stop asking for silly things, and accepted that little truth : that feelings have little or no place in a world dominated by power structures, class, delusions of largeness and facades and misogyny - and they will always win over the truth, over justice, over feelings, over the very momentary seduction of the non-conformism of those structures.  He learnt that Wisdom was the end of him.
That to survive, it must be as clever and corrupt.
In a world where even naivety becomes a projection of class and vocabulary for social media seductions, the one who has struggled to make sense of the world all alone foolishly, is better seen as the clever.
The one who can live with the alone-ness of darkness (as outsider), can live with the alone-ness of threat (as insider).
And it went exactly that way.
What they need to be told he thought, is that the outsider only likes life from outside theirs door - he is not interested in their friends, in their people, in their status, in stealing or threatening, or in being loved, he wants only justice. And that the beautiful innocence of understanding the world for yourself, of taking your time, is not the same as being dumb or naive.
He learnt that wisdom itself was just a form of clever, a corruption one learns as an art of self-protection. And that malice and wisdom, too, go hand in hand - and that is the art of the inside.
He could not decide if wisdom was a blessing to be embraced, or if he'd rather fight it and remain a child. the child who will be misunderstood as childhood passes by, mistaken as more malicious than those who actually play and fight to remain with and besides others, to remain inside.
Niceness, naivety, rebellion, love, friendship is just another word for foolishness.
For the only thing that moves the world is strength, class, images, and who you can keep at bay thus.